The Bonus Show
by LittlePsychoWolf
Summary: Also titled "Who Gave The Audience Pitchforks And Torches In The First Place?" Adapted from a thoroughly silly little script I wrote for Kelaiah, based on his "Blue Moon" talk-show fic, where canon characters deal with Sues. Nonsensical, yes, but amusing.


**Disclaimer: I don't own... okay, most of this. Kelaiah the ferret, the idea of a talk show designed to help victims of Sues and involving canon characters, and Steve the security badger are all property of Kelaiah. We often write up demented little skits like this in PMs, though in script format (forbidden here at the Pit) and he insisted I publish this. Enjoy this version, specially adapted to fit in paragraphs. It's harmless (mostly). **

* * *

The assembly had grown rather discontent through the long commercial breaks, but had been swiftly placated with refreshments. Everybeast cheered wildly through mouthfuls of assorted snack foods as their host strode onstage, heralding the beginning of the special Bonus Show they had been promised for so long.

"Greetings, all!" Kelaiah announced, spreading his paws wide and smiling amiably at his audience. "We're taking special time out today to address one lucky guest's deepest and most dreaded fears, which, with luck, we'll help him overcome. This fear is none other than-"

The ferret was abruptly cut off as Klitch stood up at the back of the audience, yelling derisively, "Who _are_ you, Dr. Phil?! Get t' the bloody point!"

Kelaiah's glasses slipped halfway down his muzzle as their owner sharply turned to glare furiously at Klitch, and he was reaching for his laser with obvious ill intentions when Ferahgo swiftly clouted his son upside the head, snarling, "I _told_ you to stop watching those human talk shows, whelp!"

Kel breathed a quiet sigh of relief, and couldn't help snickering softly as Klitch replied, with eyes so wide and innocent they would have put Bambi to shame, "Oh, it's not _my_ fault, Father... it's just that_ someone_ recorded about fifty episodes of "Oprah" on the TiVo!"

The rest of the warlords in attendance were making no attempt to hide their hysterical giggling, and Ferahgo was nearly smoking at the ears with embarassment, muttering, "I... um...er..." before roaring at Kelaiah, "Yeah, get on with the show!"

Kel, having valiantly suppressed his own laughter, said shakily, "Er... haha... right then," before resuming his Dramatic Voice. "This fear," he intoned once again, "is none other than... the fear of Sue."

"BOOOOOOOOOOO!" the audience howled.

Kelaiah grinned, answering, "Exactly. Now, today our lucky tenth caller to our special Sue-Help Hotline is-"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOO!" roared the audience, with even more force and bloodthirsty rage than previously.

Kelaiah's grin faltered slightly, but he persevered as though nothing abnormal had really happened. "Yes, we all know how horrible Sues are. As I was saying, today we're honored to help-"

The audience had now begun to form an angry mob, brandishing torches and pitchforks and beginning to knock over the furniture as they chanted, "KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY!"

Kel slapped a paw over his face, growling, "Ugh... DO I HAVE TO BREAK OUT THE LASER OR ARE YOU GOING TO-"

In the exact instant the word "laser" left the ferret's lips, the audience sat down and became the very model of attentive, polite silence.

Kelaiah's smile was positively, nigh nauseatingly, beatific as he purred, "Thank you ever so much. Anyway," he announced, with a flourishing sweep of his paw towards stage left, "today we're honored to help... Juskarath chieftain Sawney Rath!"

The applause was enthusiastic at first, but as Sawney crept onstage, his fur disheveled, his clothing sweat-stained, his glassy, neurotic eyes deeply shadowed with insomnia, it choked, spluttered, and slowly, agonizingly trailed away. Sawney looked even more like the poster child for the kind of paranoia that gets most institutionalized as he looked out at the sea of faces beyond the lighting and cameras, trembling from ears to tail. His eyes flicked ceaselessly from side to side as he whispered hoarsely,"Is... is... is it safe?"

Kel nodded patiently, familiar with the symptoms. "Yes. There aren't any Sues here. Now, I understand you-"

The rest of his words were lost as the audience roared, "WE HEARD 'SUES!' KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KI-"

The ferret now wasted no time in pulling out his laser and waving it menacingly, saying, "Last warning here..."

The audience, shaken, paused in mid-chant, when Klitch spoke up again from the back, screeching, "He's a menace with that thing! We should have him arrested!"

Lord Brocktree, who had been noticeably absent from the protests and angry mob, turned now and said gently, "Now, now, he's just trying to keep the peace, young weasel. It's important that we give him the proper courtesy in aiding our fellow canon characters."

Klitch glared savagely, evidently scrambling for ideas, before retorting, "Er... but he turned me into a newt!"

Brocktree's mighty brow creased in puzzlement. "A _newt?"_

The young weasel stared at the ground, muttering unwillingly, "...I got better."

Kelaiah spoke up, announcing politely, "Pardon me for a moment, all," though no one was really listening as he turned to face offstage and yelled, "Ara, I know you're back there... AND I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THE AUDIENCE WASN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH MONTY PYTHON!"

Upon getting no response, he sighed and continued, "Ahem, anyway... Please sit down, Sawney."

Sawney shuffled over to the chair and sat crouched on its edge, still looking completely horrified as Kel said gently, "Would you like to tell us exactly why you felt the need to call?"

The chieftain gulped, shuddered, and finally said, "Ev... ever since I tuned in to your episode with Swartt Sixclaw, I've been terrified they're going to come after me next."

"Now why do you think they'll target you in particular?" Kelaiah responded, gesturing patiently with his paw.

Sawney's answer was slow and hesitant at first, but soon poured out of him in a single, panicked, slightly dribbling outburst. "W... well... I kind of figured that one of... of th.. them would think I was all dark and angry because I didn't have a son, and that's why I tried to take in Tagg, but then I drove him away so I'd still be lonely, and then of course they'd probably assume I had a mate and kids who died tragically and made me a bitter angry "vermin," and then- MMFF!"

Before his speech could end, Kelaiah, his eyes wide with a growing, horrified awareness, had leapt forward and slapped a paw across Sawney's mouth, shrieking, "NO! That's enough! Steve, quick, block any possible entran- NOOOOOO!" he cried, releasing his captive, sinking to his knees, and pounding the floor in despair.

There was a curious sparkling in mid-air, then suddenly a slim and beautiful ferretmaid, with fur dark as ebony in the moonless cover of dark night and eyes like a sparkling amethyst, popped out of nowhere and landed on the stage, smiling dazzlingly at the audience.

The Sue spoke, in a voice pure as a mountain stream. "I have come to lead Sawney Rath back to the Light, for though my fur is as dark as the deepest midnight, my soul is as pure as fluffy puppies playing in freshly fallen snow, when the sky is all full of rainbows. Only I understand his torment at losing his beloved family, because mine were ruthlessly murdered by woodlanders who didn't understand how good and friendly we were, and of course he shall be enraptured at my beauty, and he shall renounce his misguided ways, and we'll be married, and honeymoon in lush green meadows under the star-kissed heavens, and we'll have a lovely little family and live together in the woodlands forever and ever and ever and ever and-"

She got no further, as without further ado Sawney's head spontaneously exploded.

"AUGH! NO!" Kelaiah howled, lifting his face to the ceiling in desperation. "THAT'S THE SEVENTH ONE THIS WEEK! MY POOR CARPETING!"

The audience gasped, paused briefly, then began chanting. "...KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY!" Their pitchforks and torches instantly regained, they began industriously tearing down, and simultaneously setting fire to, the studio.

A pine marten poked her head out briefly from backstage, saying cheerily, "And remember, kiddies, every time you go into enough detail..."

She gestured to the audience, who responded in unison and with equal joy, "...a Suethor gets a great idea!" Ara gave them a happy wave and disappeared as they resumed their prior activities. "KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY! KILL! KILL! DESTROY!"

Racing over to the room's only security badger, who standing peaceably near the stage's edge and humming 'Tiptoe Through The Tulips' as the studio began to fall, flaming, around his ears, Kelaiah cried, "Steve, do something! Remember your training!"

Steve paused, his lip quivering, then burst out sobbing hysterically. "I... I... I DON'T KNOW! I FAILED THE ENTRANCE TEST!"

"Then how did you ever become a security guard if you're totally unqualified?" the Sue asked, her amethyst eyes glimmering like purple stars with her puzzlement.

"...They said just to press the button, and all my problems would be solved," Steve replied.

"What button?" Sue responded, now thoroughly confused.

Steve blinked, scratched his head briefly, blinked again, then screamed, "HOLY WOODPIGEONS! A SUE IN THE STUDIO!" Acting in the nick of time, he leapt forward and tazered the curvaceous night-furred menace.

Nothing happened.

In the silence that followed, Kel said calmly, "Oh. THAT button. And by the way, Steve, they're tazer-proof."

"No they're not! It's just a black ferret! Look, it works perfectly!" Steve growled furiously, placing the tazer against his own chest and moving to press the button with his other paw as Kelaiah leapt forward, roaring, "STEVE, NO!"

The Sue, upon realizing nobeast was paying the least bit of attention to her, muttered dourly, "...Oh, bollocks to this," and walked gracefully offstage, unfortunately right past the shadowy corner where Ara was lurking in wait, a large meat cleaver in one paw.


End file.
